One year later

Milestone #3

UTTERLY AMAZING! We have already been home on U.S. soil for one whole year! So where are we now?

First of all, I have a request . . .

I would like to ask those friends and family who know any details of the twins’ birth family and circumstances in Ethiopia to regroup, rewind, and refrain from sharing that information with anyone.

During adoption training the PAPs (prospective adoptive parents) are cautioned against sharing the children's stories. However in the excitement and anxiety of the process, it is difficult not to share what few snippets one does know with close friends and family. That was my experience. But even before the kids came home, as the time grew nearer and steps were completed, I felt more and more protective of them and wished I had said nothing of their past. We have now been discussing it together, and even though they are proud of their heritage, both have chosen not to share their story at this time. It is their personal choice and I am doing my best to respect it, despite my earlier faux pas. I am also teaching them to be W.I.S.E. when asked questions.

GROWING:
Twins, Naomi and Josiah are 9 years old. In the past year Josiah has grown 3-5/8 inches and Naomi has grown 4-1/4 inches (but it seems like much more!), and each are about 6-3/4 inches taller than when I first received their referral 18 months ago. They have gained 13-1/2 & 12 pounds since home and 17 & & 14 pounds since referral. Both have changed from the children I picked up a year ago to the young adults they are today, maturing in facial features, mannerisms, and interests. "Childish" toys and activities that were attractive in the beginning (as they had not had the opportunity to experience those things) were quickly outgrown and tastes now run more in alignment to their peers. In fact, we were recently watching my video footage of us together in Ethiopia and they were laughing at what they now see as their silly behavior.

INTERESTS:
Josiah is a natural athlete, excelling in everything he tries. He loves all sports, wants to play them all, and do everything! He's been on a couple of soccer teams where he has been a star player and is anxious to play football and baseball. He likes Spiderman, Bakugan, and would play video games or watch movies 24/7 if he could get away with it! He is sharp, observant, and curious - the quintessential child of a million questions. Naomi is athletic as well and always picked first in dodge ball for her speed and agility. She wants to be on a basketball team and try cheerleading. She is also a girly-girl who loves princesses, High School Musical, jewelry, and dressing up (preferably including heels and makeup). She is a "fashionista", skillfully putting together creative and attractive outfits. So cute! She is intuitive, witty, and compassionate, loves music and dancing and prefers listening to a CD to watching TV. Both are very social and love to have company or go play with other kids.

SCHOOL:
Both are in the third grade, enjoy school and doing well. They are still behind in reading and writing skills, but I'm confident they will catch up in due time. We try to read together every day. Sometimes they read to me and much of the time I read to them. I love to read and do so allot, hopefully providing a good role model. They are doing grade level math and also take science, music, art, and PE. Spanish is a required class at their school and neither of them like it very well. I could opt them out, but had a long discussion with the school staff and we all agreed to leave them in. They are very popular and well liked by both students and teachers, although Josiah tends to play a little too rough and has made a couple of trips to the principal's office for tackling on the playground, and Naomi sometimes struggles with the "clique-ish" behavior typical of young girls.

LANGUAGE:
Kids are so amazing and it is such fun to watch language grow and change. I admit there are some "errors" I don't correct because it just sounds so cute! Many people have asked how we communicated at first when they did not know any English. My answer now? "I can't remember!" Surprisingly enough, it was not difficult. I would say the first 6 months were easy because language at that point is essentially for survival and communicating basic needs. Much can be expressed with a few words supplemented with gestures, facial expressions, and pantomime. The next 6 to 12 months were much more difficult. They could understand allot of what was being said, but did not have enough words to express what they wanted to say. They would string together words in such a way that I'm sure made sense to them, but half the time I could not for the life of me figure out what they were getting at. At first they would say "forget it" and refuse to try further. I'm sure this was very frustrating and I would feel so bad for them. But we are all trying hard and even though we laugh (usually) at the occasional misunderstandings, it is getting easier. I do have to constantly remind myself that even though they understand allot, they don't understand everything completely. Especially if I am using uncommon words or referencing images, experiences, or ideas common for someone brought up in America, but not so for them. Research shows that conversational language fluency is attained in 1 to 3 years, but full cognitive language proficiency takes from 5 to 9 years to achieve. See "Language and the Older Adopted Child"

I had also hoped that in adopting multiple older children they would retain their birth language, but those skills seem to be fading. See my post on international satellite TV. They can still understand Amharic, but rarely speak it to each other anymore (unless trying to sneak something by Mom), and respond in English to Amharic conversation when we socialize in the Ethiopian community. Doing further research, I am also now finding that there other considerations around helping an IA (Internationally Adopted) child maintain their birth language. See "Pros and Cons of Keeping the Native Language of an Adopted Child" and "Language Development in Internationally Adopted Children." Believe it or not, forgetting their birth language may not be such a bad thing.

PHONE TAG:
NO land line. ONE cell phone. TWO kids. THREE family members. NOT really working anymore. The kids are starting to bring home phone numbers of friends, so we will have to address this issue soon. It is easy for them to carry on conversations in person, but understanding and being understood on the phone is more difficult. I'm of the mindset that they are too young for cell phones themselves, and I don’t really want them using mine too often. So … do I add minutes to my plan and we all use my phone - UNLIKELY … break down and get them phones with pre-paid minutes - UNLIKELY … or perhaps get an old-fashioned land line for the house - HMMMMM? What a novel idea!

THREE PEAS IN A POD:
All three of us still sleep together in one double bed though we all agree it is starting to feel a bit crowded. Despite one or two well-meaning friends who frown on the practice, I am amazed when I mention it, how many people remark that they slept with their son/daughter until they were 12, 13, 14 years old. Culturally my kids are used to that type of arrangement, and being single it does not hinder any other family relationships. It is a wonderful time of bonding and physical closeness as well as a time when we share stories and pray together. Once when we were listing some things we like, my Josiah named "Jesus" adding "Sorry, Mom, I love Jesus number one and Mom number two." My heart sang with joy. I am so blessed to have kids that love the Lord!

ADJUSTMENT:
Another question I often get is "How are you adjusting?" I used to answer that there did not seem to be any adjustment. We molded into a family from the get-go. It seems like we have always been together and we are affectionate and comfortable with each other. Rather than throwing my life topsy-turvy, they have given me a beautiful sense of peace and balance. But looking back and stepping back I can see how we have been subtly adjusting to each others temperaments and needs.

I am also recognizing behavior consistent with attachment issues -- frequent control battles, bossy, argumentative, defiance, anger, manipulative, lying about the obvious -- along with plain old disrespect and disobedience. Some of you are probably wondering where my rose-colored glasses are that I usually write through? They are still firmly seated on the bridge of my nose! I still find life wonderful and full of joy and would not trade my newfound motherhood for anything. Some of you are probably also thinking, "That sounds just like my 9 year old! Just wait until they're 12!" And I'm sure some of it is normal adolescence. However we are looking at various resources to help facilitate their adjustment and success in life and relationships.

I have found some success with the Love and Logic techniques, which seems best suited for general behavioral issues. But I also find it often on the verge of sarcastic, manipulative, and degrading. Not the values I am trying to teach and certainly do not wish to model. And sometimes, logic just does not work. Really tough for we left-brained folk.

For those deeper issues of attachment and early childhood trauma, I am convinced that the teachings the Beyond Consequences Institute (BCI) will be our true saving grace (other than of course, daily prayer). It is based on love, and who does not want to love their kids?!!! Promoting connection, emotional validation, and nurturing compassion, BCI is often diametrically opposed in philosophy to the methodology of Love & Logic. This makes it critical to be in tune with your child’s needs and constantly vigilant to the source of their "behaviors". No easy task.

It is similar to pulling weeds … If one merely snaps the tops off they are gone for a little while, but always reappear; often in greater number! But if you dig down deep into the root and remove the whole thing you have a much greater chance at long term success.

In fact, I highly recommend that all parents explore the BCI model for parenting all kids. There are many, many kinds of trauma a child may experience (real or perceived, both have the same result) and the BCI model is an awesome, healing process for the whole family! It is totally about relationships!! Let's get rid of all of those nasty weeds at the root!!! Whew! Take a breath, Nancy … regulate.

CHALLENGES:

* If we have a major challenge, it continues to be FOOD. Josiah and Naomi still do not care for most American food. And not being much of a cook, I'm reluctant to try new things or put much effort into it, as it is usually met with such disgruntlement. Thankfully we go out for Ethiopian food about once a week and often have leftovers for another meal. I had to laugh the other day when rather than asking, "Mom, what's for dinner?" instead I heard, "Mom, where are we going for dinner?" Oops! Nutrition is definitely one area where we need some improvement.

* The HAIR Challenge has been met! Follow that journey at Naomi's Sisterlocks blog.

* With still limited language skills, HOMEWORK takes a really long time. It is not something they can do much of independently. Even with math I have to read the instructions and story problems to them, and often explain words and reinforce concepts. Sometimes their homework is similar to each others, and sometimes it is not. When it is not, I get pulled back and forth between the two, both wanting (and needing) my help. Getting home at 5:30 or so and getting dinner, homework, sports or extracurricular activities and into bed at a decent time takes some balancing and hard work!

* Speaking of extracurricular activities, don't you all wish there was enough time and money for soccer, basketball, football, volleyball, cheer leading, singing, dancing, theater, piano/guitar/drum lessons, gymnastics, wrestling, track, swimming, and just staying home to relax?!? In your dreams, Mom! (Not to mention occasionally cleaning the house). They each get to do one thing -- ONE. Over the winter we were all taking Taekwondo together. I appreciate the aspects of respect, discipline, and focus and would love to continue, but that would exclude other opportunities. With the kids' natural abilities in athletics and music I feel like I need to (and of course want to) allow them to experience other options. How to choose where to place the limited resources? Heavy sigh! Both are in soccer for spring, but that means two different teams, two different practice times and fields, and two different times & locations for Saturday games. Thank you Jesus, for my dedicated support network that helps out and allows us to do this. I am ever so grateful to you!

* Not enough TIME. Not enough MONEY. Not enough SPACE (we live in a townhouse with no yard, no basement, no family room).

But we have Lots and Lots of LOVE! Stay tuned as our adventure continues . . .